Hi! I'm Kevin and I struggle with anxiety. (Post #51)

​So, why haven’t I been on?

​Good people.  First and foremost, I want to say thanks to everyone who takes the time to read my blog posts.  Especially to those of you who have been consistent and day-1 supporters of this thing of ours.  I take your support very seriously.  Granted, I know we aren’t at “Google” status with this; however, support at any level must be treasured and I want you to know that your support is valued immensely.  

​So, I haven’t been on the blog for a while, and in all honesty, I have to admit that I wasashamed to confess why.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that allowing this feeling to hinder my sharing, would be a complete violation of what being a Perfectly Imperfect Perfectionist is all about.  PIP is about owning the fact that I do not, and I mean do not, have it all together.  In fact, I have grown to believe that knowing, and further owning this has been one of the things that’s greatest aided my growth.  Therefore, any attempt to hide behind fears of flaws, is a mentality that just can’t be allowed.  
 
So, why haven’t I been on?
 
I don’t know how to explain, so I’ll just tell you (that statement weirdly made good sense in my head.) 

For a while now, I’ve had a growing anxiety about blogging.  I don’t know why this is and I can’t figure what triggered it.  ​

What I do know is that when I sit at my computer and get ready to do what I normally do, here lately, I’ve been feeling a growing state of tension and overwhelm.  In my mind if feels like I’m making the act of blogging, bigger in my head than it really deserves to be.
 
So, as a result, I just quit.  
 
Now, in all honesty, I would be lying if I told you that this anxiety was just limited to blogging. In these past-few-weeks, I’ve admittedly felt anxious about a number of things.  I feel anxious about talking on the phone, going to meet with people, trying to tackle a load of work, dealing with lost productivity, sermon preparation, sick visitation, and a host of other things.  Some of these things I can’t let go of, and in those areas, I thank God and I know that He gives me the strength to do what I feel (in the moment) that I can’t.  
 
However, there are other things, things like blogging, that I know that if I just avoid them, then nothing about my life and livelihood will end or decrease.  
 
However, in avoidance, I learned three things:
 

1. The things you avoid, go to some mythical gym in your mind, they actually get stronger and, in their brute strength, they cripple your focus.
2. In time, avoidance becomes more than easy, it becomes habit.  And as a result, trying to overcome becomes the new challenge.
3. You start to feel like you’re the only one going through this sort of thing.  Or, because of who you are and what you do, you shouldn’t or even can’t be known to struggle this way.  So you don’t share it with anyone.  

 
I urge you to take a moment and reread the list above (I’ll wait for you here.)

Notice how this list is a mixture, for a perfect storm, for all things anti-progression. 
 

• You can’t reach your goals this way… 
• You can’t change the world this way…
• You can’t get better this way…
• You can’t change your life this way…

 
As I accepted these things. I had to pause to pray.  I had to seek God’s Face on how I was supposed to progress.  It was in that moment of prayer that I had to accept that anxiety was in my life, with one goal in mind – threaten all things pertaining to Kevin’s betterment.  When I accepted that, I knew then that something had to change.
 
No, I have not figured it all out.
 
No, I’m not a danger to myself (and might I add, this statement’s necessity, is one of the many reasons why people who are going through seasons, never admit them.)
 
No, I’m not claiming to be the answer for anyone, dealing with anxiety in any way. 

All I know is this:  I want to be better and the only thing stopping me is me.

So, what am I doing?
 

1. I’m connecting with people more:  I’m a loner by nature and it’s not a good thing to be when you’re dealing with anxiety. Therefore, I’m making it my business to connect telephonically and personally with people intentionally, on a weekly basis.  
2. I’m talking about it:  To most, I’m an open book in my ministry; however, there are elements in my life and mind that I keep to myself.  I’m learning to find value in connecting with safe people and just sharing those things.  I connect with people who understand that they aren’t expected to be my solution or my savior, just a support.
3. I’m finding the balance between GRIP and GRACE for myself:  Fact – there are times when I need to tell myself, “Alright, Kevin.  Get it together and let’s get going.”  And then, there are times when I need to say, “Kevin, (I love you reading my writing about me talking to me) this is not that serious, let’s take 15 minutes or even the rest of the day and relax.” Too much of either is a problem; however, I’m asking God to give me a greater understanding of how to balance them. How to use them both in His guidance, for the furtherance of my peace of mind.
4. I’m getting help:  And if you need to, then do it and do it NOW.  I’m a minister and pastoral work can be a very draining occupation.  Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do; however, I’ve found myself on fumes here lately, more times than I really need to be.  In those moments, God is giving me greater peace in knowing that connecting with help aids me in getting my much-needed refill.
5. I’m owning it:  I’m telling you this because I’m not proud of it; nonetheless, I’m not ashamed of it either.  I’m blessed to have great people in my life who remind me of why we all need somebody every day.  Owning it means being honest, being real.  I’ve decided that I’m done with the pseudo “He-Man” façade. Sooooo… 

 
Hi.  My name is Kevin, I struggle with anxiety, and I serve an amazingly awesome God who reminds me that He’s got my front and my back!
 
So, what did you think?  What did I miss?  Let me know in the comments below.  Subscribe on the home page, share this post, and thanks for your support.  
 
Imperfectly, 

Kevin D. Jones, Sr.

Author and Publisher of Perfectly Imperfect Perfectionist
(@kevindjonessr)
(@imperfection360)