7 Tips For What to Say, When You Don't KNOW What to Say! (Post #20)

Understand that your palms are sweaty because you’re trying to figure out what you can say, to make everything better.  News flash:  you can’t. ​

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So, I was talking to a good friend of mine who said, “I don’t know how you do it.” To that I replied, “Do what?”  They answered, “I don’t know how you know what to say to people, when they are going through tough times.”  Confession point:  Unbeknownst to him, neither do I.  Fact is, I don’t think that anyone really KNOWS what to say.  After all, people are diverse, personalities are even more assorted, and we all deal with hardships differently.

Not to mention, the task becomes even more difficult, when you consider those who (with good intentions) say the most ridiculous stuff.  I mean, some of the things that I’ve heard people say by sick-bedside, at funerals, and in hospital waiting rooms, makes you want to ask them the following questions:

• Were you really serious? 
• I mean, for real, did you think that was a good idea? 
• Of all things, that’s the thing you wanted to say? 
• All that brain and you used it to come up with that?
  • (I never really say it, but I do scream it in my mind)

In fairness to them, (and I’m praying) maybe they didn’t know any better.  Maybe, they thought their words were appropriate, because we hardly deal with the very sensitive subject of "hardship speech."

So, after considering all of my ministerial and life experiences on this topic, I've compiled this list of my 7 tips on what to say, when you REALLY don’t know what to say.

• Your words won’t fix the issue. I think this is the main pressure relief.  Understand that your palms are sweaty because you’re trying to figure out what you can say, to make everything better.  News flash:  you can’t.  There are hardly any words that will fix grave difficulty; time and prayer are the key components for that.  Instead, just relax and express your sympathies, let God provide the solutions.
• Stop and truly think about what you would need to or LIKE TO hear in the same situation. If you’ve been there before, you already have an advantage.  Try to remember the one thing that helped you in your time.  When you express it, connect it to your experience, and tell them how it helped you.  Keep in mind, you can’t control reception or reaction; however, you at least know that, of all things that could be said, this word did work for you.
• When in doubt, offer to listen. Remember, communication is the exchange of information; therefore, you don’t always have to talk.  Let them know, that if they ever want a chance to release, you’ll be there for them.  Inform them up front that you won't be able to provide them with all the right answers or responses; however, you will at least receive them with warmth, love, and prayer.  Trust me, that matters.
• Be honestly optimistic and keep the focus on God’s ability.    In hard times it's important to remember that you can’t claim to know what is going to happen or what God is going to do.  However, you should know that He is more than able to do anything you ask.  My prayer of faith is focused on believing that God can.  When you communicate with people, remind them that no matter what, you trust that God CAN, and you remain prayerful, that He WILL.  I can’t guarantee what He will do; however, I can guarantee that He can do it.
• A hug is golden!  When in doubt, open your arms wide, wrap them up with no concern for reciprocation, and hold them as long as they need to be held.  If you don’t get weird, this works wonderfully every time.
• If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut your face! Yep, that’s about where I want to leave that one.
• Pray for guidance. What can I say?  The last shall be first!  This is by far the best suggestion I can give you.  In the face of any measure of uncertainty, ask the Lord to direct you and trust that He will (cf. Hebrews 11:6).  Seek His path as you minister to those who are suffering.  I assure you, that when it’s all said and done, you’ll go farther, when you look higher.
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So, what did you think?  Did I miss anything?  Do you agree or disagree?  What would you add?  Leave a comment below and subscribe to my blog!  Thanks for your support!

Imperfectly, 

Kevin D. Jones, Sr. (@kevindjonessr)
​@imperfection360