Can you Please Teach me How am I Supposed to Mourn? (Post #45)

"I believe one of the many factors that ignites a bout with mental illness in the latter years in life, is one’s inability, ignorance, or outright refusal to properly process pain and grief."

​So, on the date of this writing I received a call from a very wonderful soul. She was in a state of mourning because the date of her dialing me, was the birthday of her dearly departed.  

​She was in tears as she talked, and she had a simple (but not so simple) question…

“Preacher, I’m hurt right now, and I don’t know what to do.  What am I supposed to do?”
​

I remember in the early stages of ministry, how such a question was absolutely terrifying to me.  How in the world was I to answer this question? What in the world could I say that would make the person feel better?  

​I’m thankful to say that I see it different now.  In fact, I remember when it hit me.  The day that changed me forever.  The day I realized WHY this question should no longer terrify me.  

​Fact:  There’s nothing that you’re going to say that will fix a person’s pain. So, if you’re one of those people who think you can, you may want to click the button below for a later blog post that may help you. 

For Those Who Don't Know What to Say...

However, for those who know, I’d like to provide you with 6 tips that will aid you in your ability to teach others how to mourn:

• Don’t Suppress Your Tears, Don’t Ignore Your Pain:  It’s a well-known fact:  you either deal with your trouble, or your trouble is going to deal with you.  I believe one of the many factors that ignites a bout with mental illness in the latter years in life, is one’s inability, ignorance, or outright refusal to properly process pain and grief.  Mourning is as much of a God-ordained process as breathing, don’t avoid it, and use it.
• Step Away for a Season:  I know that one of the many coping mechanisms that people have with grief is ‘staying busy.’ Now, while I do see the benefit in that, I can also tell you that sometimes it can be counterproductive.  If your grief is robing you of your focus, attention to detail, initiative, or any other productive virtue, then there should be absolutely no shame in taking some time off.  Emotional decompression is the greatest combat to inward oppression.
• Celebrate their Life:  Don’t ignore their legacy.  Sure they are gone; however, their memory lives on.  As a nation, we celebrate individuals like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. annually, even after his death.  The reason for this is simple:  death is inevitable, but an impact is a gift.  Commemorate the impact and existence of the departed; it will aid in the healing and the necessary acceptance of their departure.   
• Reach Out and Talk to People who Will Listen:  Pray that The Lord will lead you to someone who will allow you to work verbally through your feelings.  This person can vary depending on the impact grief is having on your life.  For some it can be a good friend or a mutually struggling family member.  For others, it may very well need to be a member of clergy or a professional counselor.  Whoever it is, simply ensure that they are emotionally attentive and healthy.  If they are please, connect and converse.  Fact:  you CANNOT make it through this season without someone to talk to.
• Don’t Stop Connecting:  A natural reaction to the loss of someone we love is to break away from people all together.  After all, you can’t mourn another loss, if you don’t allow any others in.  To that I’d say, you are correct.  However, I’d also add the words of King Solomon in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, “(9) Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. (10) For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.”(NASB)You can’t live in isolation and survive this feeling.
• Be Patient With Your Healing Process:  I’m sure you’ve heard this before, “I’ve been dealing with this thing too long.”  Or, “I thought I’d be over this by now.”  Listen, we don’t lose weight at the same pace.  We don’t study the same way.  We don’t love the same movies.  And, we don’t with pain the same.  Sure, he may have bounced back from the death of his grandmother in 3 weeks.  However, don’t beat yourself up if it takes you 6 weeks, months, or even longer.  It’s not about how fast you get there.  Rather, it’s simply about getting there.  

​So, what did you think?  What did I miss?  Let me know in the comments below.  Subscribe on the home page, share this post, and thanks for your support.  
 
Imperfectly,

Kevin D. Jones, Sr.

Author and Publisher of Perfectly Imperfect Perfectionist
(@kevindjonessr)
(@imperfection360)